My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.