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@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
@stephenjmolloy: Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves. Batman: We also poop. CG: We? B: They. I mean they
@theevilwriter: HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone "if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person" even if we smile as we say it.