“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
This kid will have a bright future.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community