Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.