Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
You Might Also Like
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
LOL!
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan