Omg 🤣
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
the rocks need my help
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes