A customer told me they were never coming back….
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
omg leave her alone
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”