HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
wtf is an acronym
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.