I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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mom gave me mine for free
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Birds & Planes.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog