I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you