Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
me refusing to leave twitter
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?