Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
peep davidson
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
In banana years, I am bread.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Cool shirt 🙂
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks