Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Best table by far
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
welcome back
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.