Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.