him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
You Might Also Like
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy