Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.