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@SufficientCharm: Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
@Paige__xxx: [ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I'm hungry.
@Try2StopME: Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
@LuckoftheDraw86: "Every child's a gift."
"Your 'gift' is eating his own boogers right now."
"I hope you saved the receipt."
@novicefather: I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.
Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.
@3KidsNoJoke: Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can't...Give me the keys! Joe!