Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*has no idea what a book even is*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.