Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television