Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it