HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants