Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Just parrot things
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.