Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
same vibe as tangled headphones
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.