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@dreamthievin: Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
@ilovepie84: Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
@underchilde: Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it's a seance and you're dead.
@jbillinson: "Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe's pocket knife away and we'll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can't make him say sorry"
@dulcetry: Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?