Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
the red hot silly peppers
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.