@BoyfriendWhat: Him: "Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?" Me: "no." Him: "well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"
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@LaniBeno: I don't understand what you mean by 'stop drinking so much'. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
@Australianimal: Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says "just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this"
@david8hughes: [interviewing for job as assassin] Me: I only have 1 rule Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends
@PaperWash: What's that, turkey? GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well? GOBBLE GOBBLE [breaks turkey's neck] no time for your riddles, in the oven you go