Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
And that about sums it up.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
#SCOTUS one-star review
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Very good news from my accountant