Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Cake!!
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
What number SPF blocks people?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.