Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
the three genders
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.