Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I can’t wait!
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.