A completely valid reaction tbh
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
You know…for fall…
Customize Your Wedding.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen