[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
me logging onto twitter
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
peak technology
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.