Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’m having an out of money experience.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.