Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen