Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
huge if true: the moon
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Hamburger Hinderer.