Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
what?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.