Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If only
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now