WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
You Might Also Like
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
when you don’t want to be too vague