Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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no one likes gloating
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
This classic never gets old . . .
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…