Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth