Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
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If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Optional boss fight.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella