Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
wow he looks just like him
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
this could fix me
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.