Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits