Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I love art.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob