Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.