Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
#dalle2
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth