Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn