sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Have a lovely day 😊
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!