Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?