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@DamagedFairy: Him: God you smell good, what is that?
Me: chicken nuggets
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service*
Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."
@slimmy_shady: Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
@MrJeberling: -Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty....crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
@RtrJan: I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, "omg you look like hell."