Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between