My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.